PowerShift Devotional | Dayo Adeyemi
I remember clearly at the age of nine till I resumed secondary school, I split granites with sledge hammer to subvent the family income. Coming from a Female Headed Home, I became responsible early in late boyhood years to contribute to the family upkeep. By sixteen, I started working formally dropping all my salaries for family upkeeps. Interestingly, I’m not the first born.
Back then, I didn’t know there was a name for this. I had become a parentified son.
A parentified son is a boy who becomes a man too early. He becomes caregiver and breadwinner in a home even when he is yet emerging from boyhood. He earns so that family members can pay their way through. As he grow up, he learns to put others’ needs first, often hiding his own needs and feelings. His rite of passage of transition from boyhood to manhood has been truncated.
He learns early to deny his needs. He puts others first before him meeting their material needs. He shoulders the responsibilities he was never prepared for. And without knowing it, he becomes a man before he becomes ready to be one. It is disguised as been responsible. But, this has its cost when a boy becomes a man.
A ‘parentified’ man is the El Shaddai of everyone. He is the Mr. Fixer. He stands for others when he needs a man to lean on too. He is the proverbial donkey which carries everyone’s load. As a husband and father, he is focused on meeting his wife’s and children without prioritizing his self-care. As a son, he is the father deputy in chief and the mom care-giver in chief. He is the go-to guy for the siblings. He is being subconsciously programed to be there for everyone except himself. Beneath his caring for others is a man who needs self-care too. But he knows how to man it all up. After all, he is the man everyone looks up to.
And because it looks like you are being groomed to be responsible, it never feels wrong.
The story of Jephthah in the Bible illustrates this. He took on roles early enough in life because of his mother’s background. He hardened himself becoming a fighter and a leader. But his chequered boyhood led him to take a decision that harmed his family (Judges 11:30-40). Jephthah’s story shows a parentified son who looks so strong on the outside but wounded on the inside. Jephthah became the Messiah for the problems he didn’t created.
Sir, never be guilty of your self-care. You have tried for everyone, care also for yourself. Because, it’s a mind programming from early boyhood, it is difficult to identify and change. I personally never knew this situation exists until I almost broke down mentally caring for everyone who comes with the next big spoon for the next serve. The truth I discovered is this; no matter how caring you are to many, they prioritized themselves first. God helps you if you suffer a financial misfortune. Everyone you care for takes to their heels. Only few remembers the man who sacrificed for them. In my over a decade in men’s ministry, I have met many men whose regrets was that they never prioritized themselves. Some even sent their siblings to the university without them being properly educated. I have met many men who trained their siblings through universities and when the siblings are well positioned never remember the man who labors over them. Most first born sons ae parentified.
Hear me clearly, if you shoulder such responsibilities as a young man. There is healing for you.
Jesus understands the heavy responsibilities you carry for others. Jesus Christ is saying; “Come to me, all who are laden with heavy responsibilities, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28-30, TCMen paraphrase).
Give it all to Jesus to heal you of the past parentification. Let Him heal the boy in you so that the man in you can thrive. One thing I experienced personally is this; Jesus helps me to reclaim my worth, not from what I do for others but from who I am in Him. I’m not in any way selfish but I will in no way ignore self-care. Would you or am I asking for too much? Shakes or nods, you are not the El-Shaddai.
Dayo Adeyemi, Men's Coach, Counselor and Pastor
Dayo Adeyemi writes that a man will have a better story to tell through the redemptive power of Jesus Christ.
Originally written in 2016
Brother Dayo, this is a great piece and a healing tool to many men out there! Many thanks! Please, you would do better if you take time to edit the piece to addess a few grammatical errors.